i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
