They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
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He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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