Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun