i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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