I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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