sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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