My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never underestimate the power of titties
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