Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
