You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
