I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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