Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
