Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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