and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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