dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
