yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
