I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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