I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
