you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
