Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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