tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
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Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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