My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
