thus making me awesome and them whores
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
