You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
