Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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