I wish my penis had an off switch
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
