Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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