wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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