dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
