Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
