i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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