can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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