I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
