Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
