i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
