ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
