I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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