Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I smell stomach acid.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
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she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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