Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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