Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize