I haven't been this sober since birth.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
