Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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