On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize