I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
