Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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