i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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