I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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