How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
