I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
