He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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