so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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