I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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