Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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