I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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