Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
