I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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